Why Am I Here?

The struggle is real. What was I created to do? I thought I knew. Well, kind of sort of. I have experienced segments of clarity. Let me dissect that statement a bit. I would describe myself as a person of faith, a church member, a giver, a praying woman, a bible reader, and a spiritual person. I am a curious person, and I fully came to realize in 2006 that God is bigger than my church attendance, daily prayers, and bible reading. I developed more of a spiritual practice and less of a religious one. I came to understand more about scriptures through spiritual teachers that would be described as evil in traditional Christian settings. I learned about vibration, affirmative actions, feelings, thoughts, consciousness, alignment, manifestation, and so many concepts filled with light and luminosity. I say learned, but that is not correct. I embodied constructs that I had read about in the scriptures for many years. Everything made more sense. I vacillated between feeling free and thoughts that I was moving too far away from Christian beliefs or teachings. I was engaging in code switching, but not in the traditional sense. For example, when I was at church or around Christians, I was very hyper vigilant to not let any New Age words slip out of my mouth. When I was not at church or around Christians, I felt free to express myself differently. I felt like I was on a split path.

I started a book club in 2008 and a bible study group in 2009. I used Google Group, Meetup, Facebook, and Twitter to connect and engage with people. So ahead of the times. Taught a women’s bible class at a homeless shelter twice a month. By 2014 I had stopped all the activities and joined a nondenominational church. I walked off the spiritual path and assimilated back into being a good Christian. I would occasionally listen at a message from one of the spiritual teachers, but I could not focus. I used to read for hours, and I could no longer read. I went to church faithfully and I was becoming increasingly detached. In 2023, I joined a newly formed group at church, and I thought this would be a way for me to connect. However, I inwardly knew the leaders were instructed to not use me in any of the key roles. I kept attending but in October 2023 a deep family crisis pulled me away and I was no longer able to take part in weekly meetings. I still attended services at this church until November 2024.

As of this writing I have purposely not joined a church. I visit two churches with family members, and I enjoy the fellowship but there is no compulsion to join. I am okay with my decision. Life has been difficult, but I know the answers are within me and not inside the walls of a building. I realize that the stony roads in my life are for me to walk through. The answers lie inside of the empowering questions I am willing to ask myself. Inside the quantum field lies all the infinite possibilities that exist. And the unfolding of Why Am I Here will be clear not only to me but to all of those that I interact with. I am on a path of enlightenment and evolution. I did not get off the spiritual path I pressed the slow-motion mode and allowed other experiences onto my path. Today I identify as a believer in the teachings of Jesus Christ and I embody the vast wisdom and teachings of the universe. I still do not know what I am created to do but until I get a concise answer I will continue serving others.