I Promised Myself

 

On October 24, 2024, a month away from the first death anniversary of my oldest brother I took out my journal and penned these words. I promised myself today I wouldn't cry. But I lied. I promised myself today that I would remember you as you lived not as you died. But I didn't. I promised myself today that I would think happy thoughts and laugh when thinking of you. But I couldn't. I promised myself that when I got in the car I wouldn't think about all the times you were seated next to me and we laughed about a story our younger brother told us from the back seat. But I didn't. I promised myself that today I would accept your pure desire to vacate your body temple to live in an immortal one. But I can't. From the place where you now dwell you know all things. You knew leaving the physical realm would give you peace and leave me with grief. You knew that I would shed endless tears but you knew that my inner capacity for resilience would one day, in time, suddenly surface and I would see you as you now see yourself. Happy, whole, complete, worry-free, healed, and totally void of the cares of this world. 

Soar high, big brother. I know you hate seeing the tears, but you wouldn't trade your current existence for one second in the physical realm. My love for you is endless and without borders. I miss you every second of every day. So today, I promise myself to wait for the sudden moment when thoughts of you will "bring a smile to my face before bringing a tear to my eye." I love you brother I did the best I could. I would do it again for you if I could. Rest well big brother. I love you forever and always.

Otherization, Algorithms, and Freedom

Otherization is defined as labeling and defining people or groups as "the Other," which can reinforce power imbalances and lead to negative consequences. The word algorithm is defined as a process or set of rules to be followed in calculations or other problem-solving operations, especially by a computer. Lastly, freedom is defined as the state of encompassing the ability to act, speak, think, and believe without restriction or interference. 

For the past few weeks, I’ve been viewing videos from around the world capturing various groups of people protesting against their government policies. In each instance there’s a global message of people feeling they’ve been categorized as “the other”. Social media platforms are used to organize “the others” and information has the ability to be shared in nanoseconds. Computerized algorithms gather information from millions of people in seconds. Additionally, the ability to share information from one platform to the other replicates videos and commentaries thereby increasing the quantity of the content. In a minuscule amount of time multiplied millions of people are added to “the other” classification and protests grow. Individuals who’ve never considered themselves as political are standing along roadsides with homemade signs expressing their discontent over an array of topics. People are mad as hell and they’re “not going to take it anymore”. They’re finding their voice inside of what feels like a void echo chamber. Many protesters and activists are afraid because living in a world where privacy no longer exists puts their lives and those of their families in jeopardy. However, they will not allow their quest for freedom to be snuffed out by fear. They want to be protected and treated with dignity and respect. They want enough money for housing, education, emergencies, medical care, and leisure. They are tired of paying inordinate amounts of taxes while multi-billionaires and their corporations pay fewer taxes than they do. They are angry about being discriminated against because of the skin color and gender orientation. They want to be seen, heard, and valued as a human being. They are no longer allowing elected officials to lie to them. They are demanding the truth. They know their freedom is on the line and being silent and yelling at a screen will not evoke any change. Getting involved is the only option.

Theoretically, otherizing identities marginalized people. However, the theory is backfiring because marginalization is a battle cry for freedom and the masses are forming while simultaneously speaking truth to power.

AM I LIVING IN A SIMULATION?

I used to live on a planet called Earth in a country called the United States of America, but I don’t recognize anything. The surroundings are unfamiliar, and breathing requires an oxygen tank because the air is deadly and toxic. While stumbling around with my oxygen mask on I’m reminded of a concept called democracy. My mind starts reeling and thoughts come pouring through such as what happened to the Constitution, civil rights, the Supreme Court, Congress, the House of Representatives, separation of church and state, privacy, human rights, friendly alliances, and allegiances? These days life feels like an amalgamation of the popular show Stranger Things and The Matrix. In other words, it feels like a simulation. Am I living inside a video game, a weird movie, or a streaming series? 

The action of the current leader feels like a poorly designed video game. I’m no gamer but I raised one. Excellent video games are described as those that are beatable with a degree of difficulty. However, the unstable situation within the United States makes it impossible to land in the winner’s circle because the rules of engagement change several times a day. There are constant challenges in how to obtain information. Should I get news from legacy, social, podcasters, or independent media? The news cycle seems to be intentionally spiraling to keep everyone unbalanced. Add this instability to the everyday challenges of life and the feelings of an out-of-body experience are guaranteed. I must develop a strategy to stay tuned in and grounded without being overwhelmed. So how can these challenges be approached? The things that are being done are so bombastic and erratic. Daily I’ve been saying to God how far are you going to let this go on. So many vulnerable people are being hurt. Young children, people living with disabilities, and the elderly are going to suffer and some will die because of the decisions of two people. Millions of citizens elected this person to lead them and their families. Additionally, they elected representatives from their respective states to ensure the Constitution is upheld and their rights are not violated. However, each of these Republican representatives has vehemently abdicated their sworn oaths and is silenced with fear. They have ignored their constituents, and many refused to attend town halls and hear from people who voted for them. It’s only been seven weeks and America has been hit with a massive wrecking ball. I live in a poor red state that depends on numerous government subsidies to survive. Yet the Republican representatives elected to be a voice for their constituents are going along with this cruelty and mind-numbing behavior. 

Everything is truly upside down and millions of Americans have taken the blue pill instead of the red one and are living in an illusion downloaded to them by the Republican party. Unfortunately, they are living in The Matrix.

Humility Test

Writing serves as a cathartic outlet for me. Throughout my life, I have engaged in journaling, affirmation writing, and declarative note-taking. As a believer in Habakkuk 2:2-3, which states "This vision is for a future time. It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled. If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed". I attribute my ability to discern the outcome from the outset to this practice

Today, I encountered a particularly challenging interaction with an individual employed by the city government. His behavior was characterized by rudeness and an air of superiority. While in his office, I envisioned how he would interact with individuals who could not formulate a well-thought-out action plan.

Despite the early hour, his apparent disgust and anger towards my submission of the appropriate paperwork, and my respectful demeanor seemingly overwhelmed him. The city official displayed an inflated sense of self-importance and rubbed his eyes as if he were totally exasperated. He believed he possessed immense power and sought to impose his aura upon me. However, he was unaware that I had envisioned a solution, developed a plan, and received earnest prayers from two individuals regarding this matter. Consequently, his negative energy had no bearing on the outcome.

Scripture promises that God can even transform our adversaries into sources of peace. Despite the humiliating and defacing nature of the interaction, I refused to align myself with his negativity. I maintained my firmness, truthfulness, and respect. This was particularly difficult for me, as I harbor a deep aversion to individuals who belittle others.

Occasionally, we may find ourselves in situations where we feel devalued and insignificant. In such instances, it becomes crucial to be mindful of our demeanor when interacting with others and practice true humility regardless of the situation.

No More Ponies

Growing up in the 1960s and 1970s, reading paperback fiction books was one of my absolute favorite things to do. My home was filled with books, periodicals, and several types of music. My mother would go to a popular New Orleans department store and buy specific books for each of us. My older sister and I would get so excited when she came home from work with those paperback books. Oftentimes after my sister finished reading her books, I would read them. She is almost four years my senior, so her books had a more mature subject matter. This one specific book has stuck with me. Well, not the book because I do not remember all the details, but there is a line in the book that has stuck with me. The book is entitled *There Must Be a Pony* by Jim Kirkwood. The main character, Josh, has a dream, and if my memory serves me correctly, he was in a barn, and there were just mounds and mounds of horse manure. As he was shoveling through the manure, he exclaimed that underneath all this shit, there must be a pony.

Isn’t that just like life? There is one situation after the other, and we’re convinced there must be a purpose to the repetitive frustrations we experience. We are only in the third month of this year, and the challenges have been overwhelming. I felt so discouraged last night that I uttered the words Jesus said prior to his crucifixion: “Let this cup pass from me.” While writing this blog, I’m in a hospital family waiting room with a loved one as the patient. I just feel like I’m being dragged by life from one problem to the next. This cycle used to be intermittent; however, since 2020, I’m perpetually shoveling endless piles of manure. I just want to experience a few boring days. You know, those days where nothing in particular has to be done and nothing in particular is going on. I’m mentally exhausted from shoveling piles of manure as an activity. I want this cycle to end. I refuse to accept this as my life path. There has got to be more. I want to wake up without problems pounding on my chest and just embrace the beauty of the day. I want to enjoy every moment of every day to the fullest. I’m ready to put the shovel down and stop shoveling through problems and issues. So, unlike Josh, I’m going to stop looking for a pony and instead experience life through a prism that allows me to reframe problems as situations that require enhanced life management skills.

 

Is There Value In Emptiness?

Is there value in emptiness. That sinking feeling that kind of starts in the stomach and moves up through the chest into the throat and in the eyes and sometimes leads to tears. Today I had a fairly good day at the office. I had some boxes and bags of clothes that belonged to my father who passed away in February of 2022. The exterior of the boxes were marked dishes. As I was opening the boxes, I thought you live your whole life and then the things that you valued end up in boxes in storage units and that's it. I just kept unpacking, and my brother was there, and he had gone through several bags of things that had also been in storage for a few years. Both of us was going through the motions of sorting and clearing through things my brother wanted to keep, give away, or donate.

Later we did our usual talking on the way home. I dropped him off and felt gratitude for our banter on current events. When I arrived home, I got off to myself and had dinner then this feeling of deep emptiness just permeated me, and I thought God is there a purpose for emptiness? Is there value in feeling hollow? Immediately the thought came just sit in it. Sit in the emptiness. Don’t fill it with an activity. Don’t look at social media. Don’t look at the television just sit in it and allow it to move through you as you start to reach for better feeling thoughts. Allow the emptiness to just guide you to a better feeling thought. I realized in the moment that emptiness is not sadness. Emptiness just is. It is a space inside of a space and in that space of being hollow I can start to recognize and accept that it's OK to feel absolutely nothing. It's OK to feel the heaviness in my chest to feel tears welling up in my eyes it's OK because this too shall pass but, in the meantime, I'll sit in it and just as it consumed me allow it to dissolve it's OK all is well.

BEWARE OF DISTRACTIONS

 

A few weeks ago I started a YouTube channel called Serendipity Shena. You might think what a strange name. So what does the word serendipity mean? "Serendipity in American English is  (1). an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident, (2). good fortune; luck".  I believe life is full of opportunities whereby we unintentionally find valuable discoveries by chance. I wanted to create a space for me to share two things I love talking about politics and religion. I know these two topics alone have destroyed countries, marriages, friendships, and the list is endless. However, I enjoy taking political and biblical information and applying it to everyday life. The first video for the channel was approximately two weeks after the recent inauguration of the United States president. The word that permeated my mind within the initial days post-inauguration was distraction. People that I had conversations with were becoming fearful. frustrated, and hopeless in a short period. I wanted to share my thoughts and created a video. 

The inserted video is totally my opinion. Peace and Richest Blessings.